ABOUT ME:

First off, I am not going to be your “big tiddy goth gf”. Would it kill you to creeps to be a little creative?

Anyway, I’m Noire. I’m not French, but thanks for assuming.

Yes, the ears and tail are real. No, you can’t pet them. Weirdo.

WHAT DO I DO:

I work retail at a clothing store and oh my god just kill me already. If you’ve worked in retail, you know the struggle. If you haven’t, consider yourself lucky, and don’t judge me if I meet you for drinks after work and end up black-out drunk on $2 tequila shots.

THE FIRST THING PEOPLE NOTICE ABOUT ME:

Depends on if they see me from in front or behind. If the back, then it’s obviously the tail. If the front, then probably my tits. Yeah, they’re huge for my height. I know. Get over it.

FAVORITE BOOKS, MOVIES, SHOWS, MUSIC AND FOOD: 

Books: I spend pretty much all my free time reading YA novels. I even started writing my own, but I’m too busy with work to finish it. (Go ahead and add that to the list of shit I hate about my job.)

Movies: I’m not too picky, but I’m a pretty big fan of awful 80s horror B-movies.

Shows: I watch reality TV, but only ironically… I swear.

Music: Metal. REAL metal. None of that pussy shit (no pun intended).

Food: Okay, you’re gonna make cat jokes, but I pretty much exclusively eat seafood. Fatty tuna, rainbow trout, and my favorite — takoyaki! (It’s little balls of deep-fried octopus. Yeah. I know. Literally better than any sex I’ve ever had.)

SIX THINGS I COULD NEVER DO WITHOUT:

Books, fish, coffee, eyeliner, a good bra, and stepladders. (See? I can make short jokes, too.)

TURN-ONS:

Scratching, hair-pulling, spanking. Too honest for you? Bite me.

…Although, coincidentally, that’s another one of my turn-ons, so joke’s on you.

YOU SHOULD MESSAGE ME IF:

If you think you can deal with my nihilism, my scathing sarcasm, and my ravenous appetite. Seriously. I’ll eat you into bankruptcy.