ABOUT ME:

I am Carthaginia, Eternal Dread Empress of Samhain! Nation-eater, Shatterer of the Capsum Isle Consortium, and Immortal! My reputation should precede me, even in this backwater sphere of existence! Just- move onto the next question please, Gerty. [Pretty Impatient for a 4000 year-old calcium deposit, ain’t she?] 

FAVORITE SHOW:

While this world has presented me with a frankly bafflingly large variety of remote stage-plays, Turbo Major Mistress Stalkers is the one true work of martial prowess this world has presented me thus far. [and I’m more a fan of your video games.]

WHAT DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR OATMEAL? :

What is an “oatmeal?” This sounds symbolic. Is this part of some elaborate binding spell? You shall not make a mockery of me this way, my secrets are my own.

Question refused.

WHAT IS YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER:

653-28-2222, according to this paper I was given. What is this for, exactly?

DO YOU LIKE LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH? AND WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BEACH TO WALK?:

What? No, go back, what’s the number for?! I shall not be denied my rights! Information is free on this machine, is it not? Wait, are you writing this down too? No that is not what I meant by write down everything I say you, come here- [hahaha SHE CAN’T CATCH WHAT SHE CAN’T SEE FOLKS!]

WHAT KIND OF MUSIC DO YOU LIKE:

My wastrel of a familiar and I just had a discussion, shall we say, and I believe we have come to an understanding. [Sure, but I’m not fixing any of this! It’s hillarious!-Gerty]

This embarrassment of an interview has gone on long enough so I shall ignore these inane questions and move on directly to the point.

I have been informed that this spider-web interface is able to aid those seeking companionship, something which I am in grave need of now that I have been cut off from my army, my servants, and my more useful minions [Jeez, how ungrateful can you be?].

I am being held in this realm against my will while your government destroys all my long, hard work as a Leader back in my home dimension. I shall tend to this grave insult with the rebuke it deserves the moment I understand exactly what magic is used in the confines of this world.

My requirements in a ‘companion’ are loyalty, a strong back, and thorough understanding of this world and its political and magical processes. There would also be appreciation for a fellow appreciator of the arena battles of Turbo Major Mistress Stalkers, but this is optional in a ‘companion’.

You will be generously rewarded for your services once the time my fortunes are returned to me arrives. Until then, payment will be rendered in carnal appreciation. Once you are prepared to seek me out, my current residence can be found across from the local Watchman’s guild, abode 413.